2008-08-07
you can almost taste it
I can't shake the feeling that I'm waking up from a long winter nap. The sensation is starting to return to my limbs - just the fingertips and toes now but a warmth is moving (ever so) slowly. up.
I'm peeking my head out, but my eyes aren't adjusted to the light. The air is still sharp with cold. I don't know where my first(next) meal will come from. I used to have places I could count on but everything has changed.
I know there was a time when I was lonelier than this but I'm hard pressed to accept it as reality. I know I felt it constantly as a child. I know that after I had Rick removed from my apartment I would stand, my heart pounding, my eye pressed against the peephole. for hours. Certain I could see someone moving in the dark. No telephone. No alternative exit. But neither of those seem real now. I've traded the struggle for survival for the struggle to succeed. It's better, I know.
I get these emails with a question of the day - aimed at getting to know yourself (quite necessary after spending a lot of your life in a state of disassociation) most are mildly interesting but the one that really made me stop and think was this:
"If you truly believed that you were enough, what choices would you make differently?"
It made me cry instantly and the first thing that came to mind was that I would surround myself with people that love me. Not just when I'm funny. or skinny(ish). or when I'm doing something for them. or they have nobody else to love at the moment. No, people that know me and love me and wouldn't change me. People who would rather die than hurt me. People that think about me when I'm not around and smile. People like me (in those ways).
I'm getting closer.
I hope.